British Virgin Islands

Friday, Oct 30, 2020

After Tuesday nights debate John Cleese  (Monty Python) published this

After Tuesday nights debate John Cleese (Monty Python) published this

A Message from John Cleese: To The citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Arkansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Boris Johnson, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.

Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.

Both roundabouts and metrification will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.

South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us. No more Orange Bowl, Rose Bowl, Cereal Bowl or Super Bowl. From now on..... get used to the World Cup.

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

God save the Queen.

John Cleese



Comments

Scott Prevett 13 hours ago
Sorry, Mr. Cleese, but although I'm very fond of you and your many performances, we will not be changing the way say or spell the word Aluminum. This is of course out of respect for the British chemist Humphry Davy, who named it that.
Konstantin Анатольевич Pepelyaev 2 days ago
I tried to share this article with my friends in US, but the "brainiacs" from FB told me, that information is fake, and announced author could not write such thing
Johanna 10 days ago
Clearly this is a conspiracy to drive all Americans insane with roundabouts where the British, normally a polite, restrained race, lose all inhibitions when behind the wheel, even in car parks, where they drive 80 kpm and learn on their horns (hooters) while patrons are exiting the shops, two feet from them and expect pedestrians to leap for their lives out of the way. What are we to do with our excellent highway system-- cut it down to the six foot wide British road? You'll have to tell us what "Pikelets" are because to us they sound like small fish. The disgusting British food (Battenburg cake is the exception) will have to stay on your side of the pond. Our food is great. So is our dental work. Since your tiny island would fit into the small states of New England with room left over, we'll just say that you became our 51st state. Since we are the third largest nation in terms of population and geography, consider yourselves overwhelmed so there's no need for you to go to war with your 10,000 man army and your one aircraft carrier. We already kicked the stuffing out of you twice, but you are slow learners. Don't make us do it again. Also, as part of the USA, you will have to dismantle that excrescence in London known as the "Egg" and also the "Eye," and will have to leave all other buildings older than 70 years intact as part of our "Historial Site" system. You will also instantly have to remove your so-called Prince of Wales and his horse (or is it his wife?) from all public appearances, as they are an embarrassment even to Charles Darwin. We think Harry and Meghan would make good honorary monarchs. Also, order trains that fit the tracks, instead of leaving a three-foot chasm between the train door and the platform, so you will no longer have to play the maddening "Mind The Gap" recording every 20 seconds. Have you no pity for small children, the handicapped, and the elderly, or are you trying to remove excess population?

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